Saw my counselor today. Down to ONE more session with her before she goes off into private practice land and I'm left alone. :-( Well, I am referred to another counselor, and I'm sorry, after all the CRAP I've told this one woman over the last two-plus years, I kinda feel like it would be pointless to start all over. Sure, this new chick can read my stuff and learn of me through a counselor, but she hasn't experienced my tears, my setbacks, my successes. She wasn't the one to tell me, "You are far from crazy, Hon."
N.E.WAY-->Today, because we only had two more sessions, she wanted to know what IIII needed to discuss. I told her how I felt as though I have improved as a human being over the last almost three years. I mean, I can actually say that I have more days when I like myself than when I don't. What I needed was exercises or advice on how to do two things:
1) Continue to express myself to others
2) Continue to realize I'm a good person that deserves to express myself
and do both of these things without alienating people and winding up alone.
Tall order there. Through talking -- and I tell you, when I get in there, so much comes out I don't know how we get any 'work' done on me -- the notion of FEAR reared its ugly head. I've been told I'm controlling though I don't think of it that way; I'm the safety net so that if people I love fall, I'm there to catch them and mend them if they DO get hurt. That's not controlling. SO, in talking about this 'problem' of mine, my counselor asked, "So tell me, what do you fear?"
I scrunched up my face and replied, "Meaning?"
"Well, this need you have to be a safety net, your words--why do you have to do this? If you don't do it, what will happen? What is the fear that keeps you doing this and keeps you unable--at times--to express yourself?"
Big ass question, right? Hell yes it is. We boiled it down to TWO things; I'll share one: REJECTION. I fear rejection; thus, I protect the world and keep my views to myself in order to NOT be rejected.
Well, we talked more (boring stuff--no need to tell you all), and basically, she told me that in order to overcome my fear, I must FACE the fear. *lol@self* I have HEARD that on various TV shows and from pop psychiatrists over the years, but now I finally got it thrown back into my face. She did suggest, however, that I start small, with things that I can handle. I'm not the most confrontational person, and actually, I run away from it like a track star. So, now I'm mulling over the little areas in my life that I can test this FACE FEAR on. I'll let you know how that goes.
While on the couch, I began wondering about this word: FEAR. What do I fear? Came up with the following list in no particular order:
5) large bodies of water
7) cracks on sidewalks
8) rocks embedded in cracks on sidewalks (story to this one)
9) what others think
10) what i think
12) losing my hair
13) anyone that says they love me -- ultimately they could do the most damage
14) unknown (lol-j/k)
15) what i'm really meant to be (what if i get to the end of my journey and i'm nothing like i
wanted to be?
16) death (dying before i finish all the things i think i'm here to do)
18) lake charles' streets on a wednesday night about 11pm--quiet and scary as hell
20) never being able to write another novel due to death of creativity
That's the list for now. I could probably go on, but I need to grade some essays before I go out for ice cream with some friends.